My Stoplight Smiles Story

I’m sitting at a stoplight waiting for the light to change. I’m out picking up some lunch, destination; Chick-Fil-A, taking it to go. Plan is eating it alone at home to some mind numbing TV Show. A car pulls up beside me and my natural reaction is to look over, I’m in a good mood, dirty rap music is playing so obviously I’m feeling like the shit, I see this flooring-ly gorgeous girl in the driver’s seat in the car looking straight forward waiting for the light to change as well. I glance away not wanting to stare too long. Meanwhile I think to myself, Oh my god, she’s fucking beautiful. If only I knew people like that in this city my life would be dope (it kind of tying into my spacey thoughts on the drive to this point). Instantly I’m trailing off in my brain imagining this girl and I hanging out at coffee shops, going to different late night venues, surfing at dawn and chilling at dusk, calling and texting in the day. Really just fucking having a go at these different scenarios, letting my mind run loose. I cut myself off when we’ve known each other for a good year or so and I snap out of it, fly back down into reality. I realize this moment at the stoplight will likely end any second now with a change of a color, so I decide to take another glance (it’s been a proper amount of time), so I  take a swig of water and go for it. I turn my head and to my surprise the goddess in all her glory in the car to my right is looking right at me. I’m hit with a quick impulse to keep surveying and act like I’m looking at something else and pussy out but suddenly she smiles a warm smile and excitedly waves at me. I have no idea what’s going on, I still have the swig of water in my mouth for some unknown reason, so not being able to give a proper smile, I smirk letting my dimples make up for the insanity and throw up a loose three fingered wave of acknowledgement. I break eye contact to check on the light and now my mind is really racing. Holy shit, is this girl and I somehow connected on a foreign energy field I’m not aware of (like I said, this all tying into the lovely chat I had with myself on the highway here)? Why did she wave? This can’t be a coincidence. I’ve got to make the most of this. So I start to desperately plot in my head how I can interact with a person a full enclosed car away in a turn lane off a highway exit. Nothing is really jumping into my brain but I decide to wing it before more precious seconds tick away. As I track my eyes back to her, going to attempt the old roll the window down or something along those lines (like I said, really just improvising at this point), I see her covering her mouth and laughing. I’m more enchanted with her squinting eyes as she embarrassedly laughs than trying to read the cause of it. She drops her hands and I can remarkably read her lips as she says every word – “Oh my God. I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else”. I smile half out of relief and half from heart break and give a look conveying something like “all good”. I look back towards the light, though really staring right through it, music still playing loudly, car slightly trembling from bass, I try to wrap my head around everything that just happened in the last 30 seconds. My brain still filled with ‘maybes’, I glance back over almost to double check that this was all real. She has her hands firmly on the steering wheel looking sheepishly straight forward with a smile she is trying her hardest to conceal, fighting a losing battle with herself on making a don’t-laugh-right-now face. I wait a couple seconds to see if she might peer in my direction again, but she doesn’t dare. Moments go by. The light turns green. I just start laughing and think, Of course. Who’s life did I think I was living?

CHAMELEON

Preplanned Conversations.
I have too much time on my hands.
Too much to say with no way to convey it all.
No method to methodically move on from my marooned state.
Repetitive repercussions from the rarely reliable reclusive balancing act.
Let me chameleon into conversations by completely changing its course to the constructive commentary of my thoughts.

Sleep Deprived Train Rides

I’ve been patiently practicing, occasionally fake acting. Double take. Hesitate. Second guess. Real stress. Want less. Every hour that I haven’t slept, is one more hour I can throw to regret. But I’m in so deep with this sleep debt, I’m sure in a couple hours I’ll just forget. I’ve been thinking irrationally, I should really say shit more adequately. But my mind is filled to full capacity, with all these things I’ll never mention casually.

SOLO ADVENTURES

Occupying and existing inside strangers’ empty spaces. They can tune me out pretty easily. Just another among the familiar fuzzy faces. It all gets comfortable fairly quickly. Read right through me. Room looks gloomy. Misread interactions. Forgotten reactions. Understand me on a certain level. Just pretend this means something special. Before I go I need some closure. Sometimes adventures aren’t adventures, until they’re over.

Creativelessness

I’ve never had a plan.  I’ve never had a future.  I’m barely in the present.  How is this any different,  than the things I did last year,  or the things I’ll do next month,  the conversations I’ve had,  or the opportunities I’ve missed.  When is my life going to get,  to the place where I say okay,  things will be better tomorrow,  or proud of the things I did today.  Is there any progress,  to living in the moment,  when the moment seems so distant.

ROUTINE

Same Mindset
Different Sunset
Repetitiveness
Emotionless
Wanna Quit
Dumb Shit
Giant Void
Get Destroyed
Rebuild
Unfulfilled
Choose My Path
Will It Last
There’s No Hope
I Fucking Choke
Stay Balanced
It’s a Challenge
Filled With Doubt
Wait It Out
Fake Breakthrough
Nothing New
Numb Brain
Start Again

Halo Hallucinations

i apologize for the choices i’ve made – to my future self who i never became
these early mornings where i just stare at walls – puffy eyed and dazed with no thoughts at all
bones feeling brittle and broken – it’s half the reason i know i’ve awoken
slumped waiting for the sun to rise – wash off this dreamworld in my insides
these empty stomach decisions – i’ve conquered the silence, became friends with it
it’s all becoming a viable siege of youth – i’m slipping back into a senseless state, it’s no use
losing degrees of cognitive filtration – it’s part of the recipe of restless reconciliation