I’m sitting at a stoplight waiting for the light to change. I’m out picking up some lunch, destination; Chick-Fil-A, taking it to go. Plan is eating it alone at home to some mind numbing TV Show. A car pulls up beside me and my natural reaction is to look over, I’m in a good mood, dirty rap music is playing so obviously I’m feeling like the shit, I see this flooring-ly gorgeous girl in the driver’s seat in the car looking straight forward waiting for the light to change as well. I glance away not wanting to stare too long. Meanwhile I think to myself, Oh my god, she’s fucking beautiful. If only I knew people like that in this city my life would be dope (it kind of tying into my spacey thoughts on the drive to this point). Instantly I’m trailing off in my brain imagining this girl and I hanging out at coffee shops, going to different late night venues, surfing at dawn and chilling at dusk, calling and texting in the day. Really just fucking having a go at these different scenarios, letting my mind run loose. I cut myself off when we’ve known each other for a good year or so and I snap out of it, fly back down into reality. I realize this moment at the stoplight will likely end any second now with a change of a color, so I decide to take another glance (it’s been a proper amount of time), so I take a swig of water and go for it. I turn my head and to my surprise the goddess in all her glory in the car to my right is looking right at me. I’m hit with a quick impulse to keep surveying and act like I’m looking at something else and pussy out but suddenly she smiles a warm smile and excitedly waves at me. I have no idea what’s going on, I still have the swig of water in my mouth for some unknown reason, so not being able to give a proper smile, I smirk letting my dimples make up for the insanity and throw up a loose three fingered wave of acknowledgement. I break eye contact to check on the light and now my mind is really racing. Holy shit, is this girl and I somehow connected on a foreign energy field I’m not aware of (like I said, this all tying into the lovely chat I had with myself on the highway here)? Why did she wave? This can’t be a coincidence. I’ve got to make the most of this. So I start to desperately plot in my head how I can interact with a person a full enclosed car away in a turn lane off a highway exit. Nothing is really jumping into my brain but I decide to wing it before more precious seconds tick away. As I track my eyes back to her, going to attempt the old roll the window down or something along those lines (like I said, really just improvising at this point), I see her covering her mouth and laughing. I’m more enchanted with her squinting eyes as she embarrassedly laughs than trying to read the cause of it. She drops her hands and I can remarkably read her lips as she says every word – “Oh my God. I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else”. I smile half out of relief and half from heart break and give a look conveying something like “all good”. I look back towards the light, though really staring right through it, music still playing loudly, car slightly trembling from bass, I try to wrap my head around everything that just happened in the last 30 seconds. My brain still filled with ‘maybes’, I glance back over almost to double check that this was all real. She has her hands firmly on the steering wheel looking sheepishly straight forward with a smile she is trying her hardest to conceal, fighting a losing battle with herself on making a don’t-laugh-right-now face. I wait a couple seconds to see if she might peer in my direction again, but she doesn’t dare. Moments go by. The light turns green. I just start laughing and think, Of course. Who’s life did I think I was living?
So easily dismissed.
What is this.
Just me and a notebook.
Only when it’s convenient.
I mean it.
Wheels just begin turning.
Stay until I capture it.
Match is lit.
Fails to make me saner.
Deja vu in a new house.
Ample ambition but zero focus.
I know this.
Sweating it out in the desert.
Mountainside traveling introvert
Desert wanderer, but sticking to the path
Heavy ponderer, feeling my body’s wrath
What do these moments mean to me?
What are these moments meant to be?
Can’t think of much more than putting one foot in front of the other, trying not to stumble.
Looking back at my own footprints, they’re the only ones up here, it must be a metaphor
Something breaks inside
Legs aching, I’ve arrived
Mountain summit junkie
Too busy looking down
I’ll figure it out later
It doesn’t sound right
The things I’ve been telling myself
The subconscious clearly tearing them apart
The ups and downs of existence
The hidden depths of my intentions
The fear of uncertainty
The power of things unseen
The conflict of improbability
The struggle to stay afloat in our own ocean
The justification of mixed mindsets
The overwhelming confusion of society
The solitude to keep sane
The stumbling upon a single thought
& getting lost in its terrain
It’s all a complex art form
Empty head space
Repetitive nut case
Occasionally fake acting
These messy thoughts won’t come down
Wrapped around my head like some crown
Coarse words and curse words, stockpiling
They’re the worst words I have heard, compiling
I should do something with all this down time
Maybe if I didn’t feel down all the damn time
Wrap my mind around my warped mind
How long will it take to unwind this time
The outer limits are not off limits
My destiny is not one I can mimic
Exit before I get too deep in it
I’m gone, so deal with it
I’m in a strange place I’ve never been. All these thoughts begin to feel so foreign.
Two conflicting emotions leave me stranded on an island of isolation.
Some closure before I close for sure on this broken chapter.
Missing parts and missing pieces. Unresolved reasons.
Forgotten conversations, moments, days, months and seasons.
This unrest inside my body has left me so weary through the weeks.
I took twice as many as I was suppose to to just make it through weekly.
My heart’s lived twice as many lives as it was suppose to. A dynamo to the tenth degree.
I’m tearing at the seams. Cut me open and see what I mean. There’s something wrong internally.
This symphony of symptoms sings a song in my system. A chorus of chaos. A bastard of a ballad.
Making me question, what was life like before this.